The vicious complimentary circle

This is about the simple compliments we hand out, rather dole out, to others. On the face, they look good, bring a smile on faces, help a person to understand and grow in a healthy way. They are what the psychologists call "reinforcements"(I won't get into the details of Operant conditioning here). The presence or absence of these reinforcements determine the future behavior. e.g. if my girlfriend wears a colorful shirt and if i compliment her by saying that she looks good in it, it would lead her to wear the shirt to other places/occasions. On the contrary, if I say (directly/indirectly) that she looks not so good in it, she might give away the shirt in charity.

There is something more to these innocent looking compliments. It generally escapes the eye in first sight. Even in second sight. I dare say, if one doesn't observe carefully, one might never observe it. I didn't, that is, till now.

Let me give an example to illustrate my point. Few years ago, I joined a gym. I was a skinny fellow and used to get tired very soon on doing physical activities. So, I wanted to be in better shape and have more stamina. The first time I worked out, I fell in love with the gym. The dull pain in the muscles gave me immense pleasure after each workout. It in fact gave me a kind of high. I loved working out. I looked forward to go to gym in the mornings. I built a reasonably good body within few months. I seldom missed gym, but whenever that happened, I never had time to repent, as I would have been very busy for that to happen.

One day, someone passed a compliment. "Man, you look great now". Then came the other, "Wow, what a body". Then a shower followed. "Good physique", "well-built", "what muscles man", "great body yaar" and all that. I liked them. I felt proud about my body. For few days.

Then came the miserable part. I now had a worry with me. I worried lest I lose the "great shape" i am in. I worried I would fall in others eyes if they don't see me with great physique. The body with muscles became a major part of my identity. If i missed a single workout, the day became miserable. I was obsessed with the body. The primary goal to develop physical strength for activities was long surpassed. Now I was just fullfilling others expectations. The expectations that poured through their compliments. To be in great shape. To have a wonderful physique. Mind you, that was never my primary goal but these compliments gave it to me. Going to gym was now a compulsion than fun.

I would have continued that way forever, constantly worrying about missing workouts, had it not been to my introspection. This is just an example how compliments manipulate us.

This can happen to anyone. Tell a girl that she is beautiful and trust me, she will spend some extra time in front of the mirror the next day, just to make sure, that she does look beautiful the next day too. If you compliment someone for clear skin, that person will take extra precaution that it remains so. A single pimple would make the person go and seek a dermatologist. Tell someone that he has great brains and see how much time he would devote to prove you right. In short, compliments direct behavior.

Enough of examples. Let's generalize. Check all your activities and goals. Scrutinize your so-called 'aims' in life. See how many of them are 'really' yours and how many are result of others compliments. One can even go back and see how many 'goals' they achieved in the past were actually set by others. Set by friends, set by parents, set by the society, set by any sundry fellow other than 'you'. I won't elaborate all the cases. One can easily see how they work.

The problem is not chronic when it involves simple things. The real problem arises when others set the major goals in life. It is like the society taking charge and deciding for you and me. And the whole thing happens subtly. So much so that one doesn't notice it at all and one lives under the impression that life is being guided as per one's own wishes. The most subtle weapon used is what we call "COMPLIMENTS". There is no escape.

I stop the description here. There is certainly a way out of this. But I leave it for you to find out. I don't want to spoon feed. It is upto the individual to find a way of this vicious circle of compliments.

There is something more. Whenever I want to ruin someone's happiness, I compliment him or her. If I see someone with long hairs (guy), then i make a point to compliment him. That way, he will be under pressure to maintain those long hairs and I know how cumbersome it is maintain them (I did that last year). That would spoil all his fun. He will be obsessed with his long hairs and will identify with it. He will make it his identity and lose better aspects of his personality. That's just an example. I use this weapon for other purposes too. That's dark side of me you know!!

And when someone compliments me now, I acknowledge them with a sweet 'thank you'. But under the breath I just mutter:
"Go fuck yourself"


Tiru